Housewife. Homemaker.

I belong to the Facebook group, “Girls Who are In College But Only Want To Be Housewives for the Rest of Their Lives.”

I’ve always wanted to be a housewife.   I thought there would be nothing better than taking care of other people who I love 24/7.  (Not to mention having my beer, panties and everything else under the sun paid for by someone else.)

But after having a puppy for two months, I think I may change my mind (It’s not exactly like a child, but pretty close!) And my…Allison is definitely my lesbian partner as far as responsibilities go.  I’m her housewife, her chauffer…whatever she needs!

When you don’t have a job, other people depend on you because they think you are always available.  You can’t say no to your daughter asking to give you a ride, because you don’t have anything that needs to be done at a particular time.  You drive yourself crazy because you feel like you are doing the same thing over and over.  A mother’s work is never done.

Go to the grocery store. Do the wash. Vacuum.  Take the dog out.  Make dinner.  Socialize the dog .Socialize herself.  Check e-emails.  Go to Target to get anything that I don’t want to buy at the grocery stores.  Put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Clean up the puppy’s poop.  Read a little while I keep one eye on the puppy to get her energy out. Pay the bills.  Go downstairs to check the mail.   Wash the puppy because she shit on herself.  Clean the toilets and sinks and shower. And when this is all done… the cycle seems to start all again. 

OK I am over-exaggerating. There’s a part of me thinks that I could definitely get used to it… It’s fun watching your dog (or child) grow.  But the other half thinks I’m going to need to get a chance to get away from this 24/7 job… a part-time job…. a part-time volunteer position…. Something.  The past few weeks I worked part-time as a cashier at Victoria’s Secret… and it was nice to have someplace to escape.  Because to me… housewife is exactly that. Married to the house.  And I need a life– outside in the “real” world!

Top 5 Ways to Get me In Bed (eventually)

1. Smile
2. Please show me that chivalry isn’t dead! Open my door. Buy me a drink. I’m the most important thing when this date is occurring…but at the same time, don’t be too aggressive and don’t act like I’m God.  Find a happy medium!
3. Ask me questions…show you are interested!
4. And be interested in my friends. I AM. If you care about getting to know me, then care about getting to know them too!
5. If you’re looking for a relationship, don’t try more than kissing on a first date.  (Keep in mind, these are my rules, and other girls might be FURIOUS if you don’t try more than that… haha.)

Drnuk Txiteng

This wall post is dedicated to all my friends I sent drunk text messages to when I shouldn’t have. You know who you are.  And I’m sorry!   

Have you ever woken up and not remembered half the texts you sent?  If you’re in your twenties, then chances are you have. For me it’s even worse when I wake up to an empty out box… because I know the night before I was drunk enough to send inappropriate texts but sober enough to know in the morning I’d regret it… so I simply delete my entire outbox so in the morning it’s as if they were never said.

Drunk people have been saying ridiculous things since… well, I’m assuming since the first glass of Jack Daniel’s was drank.   But it wasn’t until texting that we are easily able to look back and have 100 percent proof of exactly what was said. And textsfromlastnight.com helps us “enjoy” these moments.

Here are some of my favorites:

(514): i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was “Vodka Lemon”

(780): Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.

(317): Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.

(206): Life lesson: Don’t give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

(504): Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say ” goo goo gah gah”….it wasn’t a good idea.

(443): shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don’t tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won’t be all eaten.
(610): wrong number but thanks

(281): Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
(281): Cuz 1 of ur bf’s frat bros just asked me if I wanted to “play ring toss later”

(407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with “guy, don’t worry, I’m high as shit, I’ll eat anything.”

 (206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

(027): I’m half bulimic – I binge but forget to purge’

(306): and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

(954): woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

(908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

(432): Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

(781): my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

Are they real? Who the fuck cares. They are funny as hell to read.

What are your favorite drunk texts? Katelyn, I know you have some!

Motherhood

Motherhood came a lot sooner than I expected. The decision to adopt was kind of random.  Even though my baby girl and I have a love-hate relationship, I will never regret the decision. 

I’ve only had my puppy, Dollie, for two weeks and I feel like she’s growing up too fast…2.8 pounds to 3.5 pounds in three weeks!  I can only imagine how parents of children feel. 

However, I feel like I am a mother of a child.  She wears clothes. She needs attention 24/7.  I talk to her. And for some reason in my mind I keep thinking, “When she’s older, I can tell her how she used to love playing with the blinds and looking out the window, or whatever.” But I won’t be able to.

We’ve only had her for a month and she already walks around this apartment like she owns it. She bosses us around.  She attempts to jump on my bed but she can only make it half way up. 

My family got our first dog when I was 5. Thinking back, this was a perfect situation because the dog and the kids could entertain each other. My puppy has more energy than an atomic bomb. I’m too old!!! 

 The biggest two frustrations of motherhood for me are adjusting HER to MY sleep schedule and worrying about leaving her alone for too long.  There are also little annoying things, like I can’t have rugs on the floor because she’ll eat them or pee on them. And I had to move all my PINK doggies up a shelf, because she thought they were her toys. 

Dollie is like my third leg.  She’s always there, on my mind, no matter where I am. I am always worried about her. If I’m away, I’m worried she’s hurt in her cage.  If I’m at home, if she’s not right under my foot (where she normally is…) I think she’s eating Motrin somewhere.  Since she’s my responsibility, I feel like I don’t even trust her with someone else 100 percent! Man, I haven’t even gotten pregnant yet and I’m turning into the mother I always swore I wouldn’t!  Guess my mother was right in more ways than I thought…

This post was written in celebration of my one-month anniversary of being a mother!

Attention: High Risk of A Terrorist Attack (Oh and Have Fun on Your Trip!)

What in the world does the government actually expect us to do with this information?

 If it’s really unsafe, why wouldn’t the government tell the family of four who is going to Disneyworld for a family vacation not to go?

According to  http://www.dhs.gov/files/programs/Copy_of_press_release_0046.shtm:

Homeland Security Advisory System is designed to guide our protective measures when specific information to a particular sector or geographic region is received.  It combines threat information with vulnerability assessments and provides communications to public safety officials and the public.  

• Homeland Security Threat Advisories contain actionable information about an incident involving, or a threat targeting, critical national networks or infrastructures or key assets.
• Homeland Security Information Bulletins communicate information of interest to the nation’s critical infrastructures that do not meet the timeliness, specificity, or significance thresholds of warning messages.
• Color-coded Threat Level System is used to communicate with public safety officials and the public at-large through a threat-based, color-coded system so that protective measures can be implemented to reduce the likelihood or impact of an attack.

Its recommended activities are the following: 

• Everyone should establish an emergency preparedness kit and emergency plan for themselves and their family, and stay informed about what to do during an emergency.
• All Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their surroundings, and report suspicious items or activities to local authorities immediately.

So if we are supposed to be prepared and aware of our surroundings all the time, why do I need 15 signs on my way to terminal F reminding me that the there is a high risk of terrorist attack?

I’m not trying to downplay our homeland security, even though it may seem that way. I’m just saying, I don’t get why this sign is posted all over the airports.  If they think it’s unsafe—let me know and I’ll trust their judgment to stay out of the sky! If not—please, let my experience in the airport be more peaceful.

But the only real difference for us whether the warning is “low” or “severe” is whether or not we can take our shampoo on the airlines. 

Twenty-first Century Animals

Just like an orange juice carton, my dog is scanable.  When you scan her you won’t find her price.  You’ll find me and my contact information.

 Between her shoulder blades, under her skin is a silicon microchip the size of a piece of rice.  The chip can be scanned to access my  information if I lose her.  More than 200,000 veterinarians and shelters across North America have scanners.  The shelter or veterinarian then calls the Recovery Network to find and contact the owner.   

Gee, what’s next? A permanent GPS on my dog.  That might actually be helpful…  One out of every three pets get lost in his or her lifetime, according to http://www.microchipidsystems.com.   And four million pets are euthanized every year because their owners can’t be found. 

Don’t have a dog, but want your loved one (non-human loved ones…!!!) to be located if lost?  Microchip silicon chips can be inserted in almost any animal, including cats, dogs, horses, reptiles, birds and other small mammals.

Why are My Tits Always Cold in the Grocery Store?

Because they have huge freezers and refrigerators without doors on them! Talk about wasting energy. Talk about global warming!  The fact that I make an effort to turn the lights off when I leave a room is completely pointless considering grocery stores have continuous amounts of cold air flying into a huge room that during the winter is probably also being heated for the customers.

 

Yes, its more convenient for customers to not open a door to get out a gallon of orange juice (but maybe the used muscles would help decrease obesity in America). Yes, the doors cost money.  But doesn’t it also cost tons of money to pay for cooling the refrigerator when the air just keeps flowing out of it?

Whose bright idea was this? I can’t think of any large grocery store that doesn’t operate this way. I tried looking it up but I couldn’t find an answer… seriously… does anyone know why????

Want Your Lover to Change? Dump Him (or Her)!

If you told your lover to change more than twice and he hasn’t, chances are…he’s never going to… except maybe if you break up with him or her.  Drastic change needs to happen in order for well… change.

Too often people argue about the same issues, month after month. They think the person will change and it doesn’t happen.  Either accept it… or simply break it off! 

I’ve seen this in so many relationships, as well as my own. I dated my high school sweetheart for three years. The whole time he was telling me to chill out about life… I tried, but I couldn’t… until we broke up.  And I told him I wished he was less irresponsible and more aggressive with our relationship; for example, I wished he would do silly romantic things such as write on my Facebook wall.  He tried…but it just wasn’t him at the time.  Now he has another girlfriend and writes her love notes on her wall all the time and sends her flowers in the mail.

I guess my main point is… people don’t change that much.  Atleast not overnight. Be open about your wishes, but if they can’t seem to change, accept it.  Life is so short as it is.  Spend your time loving… or find someone else you can love!

Just a Thought…

How many times have you heard a car alarm go off and think to yourself, “Shut your fu#*ing car alarm off!”? 

I’m thinking maybe we should change this system.   People accidently make their own car alarms go off far too often.   Because if I was actually getting attacked and made my alarm go off, people would be thinking, “Shut the fu*# up!”  and not “Someone is in trouble…I’m going to call the cops now!” 

What do you think when you hear a car alarm go off?

What’s wrong with fun on Facebook?

As a public relations student, I was often told to “keep it clean” by professionals.   To some professionals this means absolutely no alcohol in photos, while to others it means don’t post photos of you doing a keg stand in your underwear. 

This is an example of an inappropriate photo, especially if you are friends with professionals. However, I don’t see anything wrong with smiling next to your friend with a beer in front of you.

 

Yes, I’m 23 and as soon as I get a job I’ll be a “working professional.”  But that doesn’t mean my social life ends. 

Facebook is a personal profile. It’s part of my social life. It’s a way to share photos. A way to enjoy friends and family  It’s a hassle to e-mail tons of photos. It’s my life.  My fun.  I’m not doing anything illegal. The reason to live isn’t to work. It’s to enjoy it.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m responsible and 110 percent reliable at work and I’ll put every effort into it while I’m on the clock. But when it’s over I want to kick back and enjoy live, which may include having a few beers. What I do in my personal time should not impact whether or not I’m fit to have a professional job. I’m young. I’m not married. I don’t have any children. I would be more concerned if the person I wanted to hire WASN’T going out and having a few drinks than if they were (Especially as a public relations representative!)

 

In short: Keep it legal & keep it classy. Help me let Facebook live on!