An Apology to my First Love

To the one who won’t answer my calls: 

I dated my first love for a little more than three years.  I never stopped having fun with him, never stopped thinking he was the most attractive man in the world, but in my heart I knew I could never just have one serious boyfriend… so I got crazy and pushed him away. 

I don’t regret breaking up with him. I know it’s how it had to be.  And those two years of college as a single woman were some of the best in my life.  It’s something every young woman needs to experience.  NO ONE to report back to. NO ONE to have to worry about seeing every week. NO ONE to have to buy Christmas presents for.

Two years after our break up, I’ve had several love interests, but none whom worked out. And even after my crazy, ridiculous, breakup, he still happens to randomly pop into my head.  But a few weeks ago I randomly decided to meet him and his friends at a bar for the first time since talking to him one and a half years ago.

 And here’s where my apology comes in:  I mistakenly made myself believe I was still in love with you. I was wrong. While I will always remain extremely attracted to you, and while I believe if the circumstances were right, since I’ve loved you once… in the future I COULD fall in love with you again, I don’t love you.  I barely even know you anymore.  

While I’m smart and mature enough now to realize that since you don’t feel the same way, it’s obviously not meant to be…I have come to terms with the fact that you, my first love WILL always have a part of my heart.  And I also realize that we will probably never be able to be friends.  Because being “just friends” with you is something I never wanted. 

So, until we meet again, if we meet again, I hope, once again, you can forgive me for my crazy drunk thoughts/texts, telling you I thought you were my “Noah,” because I was simply overreacting, due to too many mini beers and bud light limes…hehe.  I always wondered how it would feel to see you again, and now I know. I don’t know why, but I care what you think. Mayhaps because you were the only person I’ve yet to give myself fully in every possible way. And that’s something.

Being in love is magical, and I can’t seem to make any equation as to why certain loves work, and certain loves fail.  But I’m excited to see where my life takes me.  Because I can’t wait to fall in love again.

Does Love Conquer All?

I don’t think so. I think many relationships mistakenly believe that as long as there is love, there should be a relationship.  But I don’t agree with that at all.

I never stopped caring for my X boyfriend.  I never stopped loving him, yet I knew it should be over. We had other issues that as much as we tried, we couldn’t resolve—no matter how much love we had for each other.

To me, a healthy relationship is one where each partner has their own full life, and their lover simply enhances their purpose on this planet.  A boyfriend or girlfriend can’t make you happy. It shouldn’t “complete” you.    It should be like getting that pink Jaguar Convertible you’ve always wanted. You’d be more than happy if you were blessed with that thrilling experience in life, and you may be disappointed if you didn’t get it, but you’re OK without it.

So many people seem to pledge, “he’ll never find anyone like me,” or “no one will ever understand me the way he does,” (Including me!!!) but think about how naïve that thinking really is… there are more than six billion people on this planet.  What are the chances that one person you randomly found is the only person for you? Some people would say I’m being pessimistic… but I think it sounds very hopeful.  There are just that many more chances to find love in this world.  I wish you the best of luck at love.

Be Careful When you Shit

Did you know you could faint while taking a shit on the toilet? I didn’t until a few months ago when my sister and I ended up in the emergency at 11:30 p.m.

According to www.merck.com, “Fainting may occur if the vagus nerve, which supplies the neck, chest, and intestine, is stimulated. When stimulated, the vagus nerve slows the heart…This type of fainting is called vasovagal (vasomotor) syncope. The vagus nerve is stimulated by pain, fear, other distress (such as that due to the sight of blood), vomiting, a large bowel movement, and urination.”

Thankfully I was in the apartment when my sister fainted. I heard a clunk in the bathroom, but I thought it was just Allison making a lot of noise as usual. Then, I hear Allison asking why she is on the floor. Before I know it, there were six hot men paramedics in our apartment. And my sister has to explain to them she was “going number 2” on the toilet.

My advice to you… be careful when you shit! You make wake up on the floor and end up in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

 

 

Little things that Make Me Happy

Sometimes the smallest things in life can turn my day from a total drag to pure bliss… OK maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but they definitely bring a smile to my face and put some warmth in my heart <3  Here are some of those things:

*Underwear

*Thunderstorms

*Being surrounded by big buildings

*Getting something in the mail

*Getting a text—it’s like a present!

*Random people complimenting me, like a Victoria’s Secret or at a bar

*Food

*My favorite song on the radio or play at a bar

*Sleeping until forever

*Alcohol

*Dogs and puppies

*Babies

*Photos

*Shopping

*Music

 

What little things make you happy?

My Senior 20

Most people are familiar with the phrase, “the freshman 15,”  but for me it was my “senior 20.”

 

What’s with this phenonomen?  Obviously, most would say it is caused by the increase in alcohol consumption and the decrease in healthy home-cooked meals.  But for me when I entered college I originally lost weight… my roommate, Ashley, was skinny and I naturally decreased my late-night meals and overeating because she didn’t overeat or eat 22 times a day.   She was my roommate for two years… 

My senior year all of my friends were finally 21, and we would go to the bar… consuming thousands of calories in alcohol a night… if I had six drinks a night (give or take a FEW… ha), that adds up to approximately 900 calories (assuming the drinks averaged to be 150 calories a drink).  And we’d never just go out once a week. Never.

 

Then, after we were done drinking, Big Katelyn wanted to get Hungry Howie’s… And one slice of cheese pizza from Hungry Howie’s has 161 calories.  Assuming I ate three drunk pieces… that is another…. 500 calories!!! I guess I shouldn’t have ate or drank anything until I went out for the night!

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s HALF of what I should be taking in for a day!

Then we eventually switched to Jimmy Johns when it got nice enough to walk…. our favorite place to eat-in at (that surprisingly we never got kicked out of…) I’m not even going to look right now to see if it is any better for us.

 

So from September to December of my senior year I managed to gain approximately 20 pounds.  I’ve been trying since then I get it off!! But life just isn’t the same without eating and drinking excessively.   They are my pleasures in life.  And my pleasures of life are my purposes of life.   

 

 

I can assure you, this photo is me trying to eat part of her sub because her sub took way longer to get so she had already had way too many bites of mine. For the record. (this happened a lot)

Best Kept Secrets of Kent, Ohio

It’s hard to believe a whole semester has passed since I’ve been in Kent. Thursday night= bar night.  Hungry Howie’s subs throw-up nights with Sloan and Smithies. PR girls doing their thing. Waking up in the McKinney/Thoma household. Sharing a roommate with another crazy blonde.  Sister/sister pizza nights.  I’ll miss it all.  In celebration of Kent State:

 

My favorite things about Kent

1. Cuyahoga River- yes, when you hear the words “Cuyahoga river,” you don’t think of something pleasant. But you have to pick up some Jimmy Johns or food and take it by the river to eat.  If it’s a rare nice hot day you can even get a tan!
2. Guys pizza- If a Kent Stater doesn’t know what this is, they shouldn’t be at Kent State.  When I first went to Kent State they were $1 a slice, but I believe now they changed the prices and shapes and you can now get a square for $1 but a triangle for a $1.50. This changed my senior year, so you can imagine my frustration. Every time I went in there (drunk) and they asked me for $1.50 I had a five minute conversation with them as to why the price changed.
3. Jimmy Johns- Most people think pizza, Taco Bell, fries and any other greasy food when they are drunk… but trust me.. Jimmy Johns is GREAT drunk food and in Kent they are open later than the bars are! I’ve never done a calorie comparison to pizza, but I’ve got to imagine its healthier than three slices of pizza! Be careful… the lettuce from the Jimmy Johns subs flings everywhereeee when you are drinking
4. Patios- Water Street Tavern
5. Katie’s Corner- Right across from Dairy Queen. OK Dairy Queen is fine for fast food… but Katie’s Corner is homemade.  It’s only open part of the year… so get it while its cold!
6. Pizza Below Hub: Yummmm!!! Get the 12 cheese ziti or whatever it was.
7. Fig Leaf:  I know this has changed a lot since I’ve been in kent with that whole shopping area now, but this store is so cute and hardly anyone knew about it!

Kent was the perfect college town for me.  I had some of the best years of my life in that little town.  A special thanks to: Katelyn L, Brittany T., Ashley, Amy, Katelyn S., Brittany S., Lyndsay, Julie, Arielle, Nick, Rachel and everyone else

New Year’s Resolutions 2010!!

Workout centers will be busier than ever these next couple weeks. But we know by the time next month comes around… chances are, many people kind of… forget about their new year’s resolutions. Cheers to us all keeping our resolutions!

 

My Resolutions

1. Do something new at least once a month.
2. Be less creepy.
3. Be OK with being single. Until I’m 29.
4. Workout 3-4 times a week. And don’t eat after 9 p.m.
5. Don’t drink too much.
6. Don’t eat my hair.
7. Don’t be obsessive.

 

 

Chemistry

Chemistry.

I don’t understand it. And it frustrates me. (I’m talking love chemistry. I also don’t get the science chemistry, but who the hell cares about that). Of course, when my friends ask me why I like someone, I can give a list of things I like about the person.  They’re smart. They make me want to rip their clothes off. They’d give their shirt off their back to anyone in a heartbeat. They are OK with being weird. The funny thing is, to the rest of the world there isn’t even anything that exciting about them… they aren’t really that great.  There are millions of people in this world who are good people. I think it must be something else. Maybe it is pheromones?  I do care what people smell like. I don’t know.

 When chemistry works both ways between two people that’s amazing. And I’m jealous of you right now.  Because for me, and many of my friends…. It seems to be mainly one-sided lately. And that sucks. Because being rejected is one of the hardest things in the world. Whether rejected from the college you wanted to get into, or from the person of your dreams… it’s rough.

 But why is an “I’m not interested” so hard for us to understand? Why is it so hard for my brain to align with my heart? I’m smart. I graduated top scholar from the School of Journalism and Mass Communication at Kent State and I can’t fucking take no for an answer.  

Whether they actually said it will never happen or they are simply not calling or texting back… they are obviously not interested. Why then, can’t my smart brain realize I should move on? I always look for the one slight chance that maybe it could work out.

“They lost their phone… that’s why they didn’t call back.”  Or “They’re just playing hard to get.” Or “I know they’ll change their mind soon…”

  Yes, it’s possible, these things happen and fairy tales do have happy endings. My X boyfriend denied me for several weeks before we dated for more than three years. Consistency paid off. And one of my best friends got denied from her X boyfriend for several weeks before he randomly called two weeks after she forgot about him and asked her on a date. They dated for five years.  But we shouldn’t hold on to this small chance. We’re worth so much more. 

There are MILLIONS of people out there who could fall in love with you and would feel like the luckiest person in the world to have you (or me.. I know I keep changing between “I’s” and “You’s” because I’m mainly trying to convince myself, but can also be talking to other people)   You just need to try your hardest to open your heart, hang out with people and give them a chance.

 Every time I like someone I think, “I’m never going to like someone else.” But of course…every time I do. And so even though I know I will find someone else, there is still that strong part of me that thinks I won’t and therefore am so devoted and connected to the one thing that can’t happen. UGH. 

But then again, maybe that is part of it. What can’t happen? The chase. Wanting what we can’t have. I’m sure that does spice things up.  Of course we’d never know unless we actually got that person.  But I do know that thus far in my life, that’s never been the case. I know what I want. I always have. And I always will.  I find one out of a billion people attractive.  And I’m waiting for the one out of those one out of a billion people who happens to fall for me too.

Then again, maybe fantasy will always be better than reality. But I sure as hell hope not…

 

 

Cheers to a Great Holiday Season

 

My high school friends always said my favorite holiday was the next holiday that was coming up because I LOVED ALL holidays.  I was always decked out from head to toe with holiday earrings, necklaces, shirts, socks, etc. and my room was always crazy with holiday decorations… my friends called me a teacher.  At age 23, these are my favorite things about each holiday:

Thanksgiving

 

Pumpkin.

Pumpkin bagels. Pumpkin cream cheese. Pumpkin donuts.  Pumpkin ice cream. Pumpkin pancakes. Pumpkin milkshakes.  Pumpkin coffee. Pumpkin pie.

Halloween 

Having an excuse to look super strange or super weird or super hot and no one calling me queer or a slut! Well, they can… but they think it’s only a costume… haha.

Christmas 

There is nothing like walking downtowns Christmas morning and seeing the piles and piles of presents under the Christmas tree.

Black Friday (or since I started working at Victoria’s Secret, PINK Friday)

Shopping at 4 a.m.  Need I say more?

Valentine’s Day 

Pink. And sex. And presents from Jared.

My Birthday

Dressing up in my Birthday crown and having an excuse for why I am black out drunk at the end of the night!  I also like blowing out my candles and making a birthday wish. Even thought it rarely comes true, I somehow feel better anyway.

St. Patrick’s Day

Green beer

Anything not listed is not a holiday in my opinion and thus is not worthly of mention.

Housewife. Homemaker.

I belong to the Facebook group, “Girls Who are In College But Only Want To Be Housewives for the Rest of Their Lives.”

I’ve always wanted to be a housewife.   I thought there would be nothing better than taking care of other people who I love 24/7.  (Not to mention having my beer, panties and everything else under the sun paid for by someone else.)

But after having a puppy for two months, I think I may change my mind (It’s not exactly like a child, but pretty close!) And my…Allison is definitely my lesbian partner as far as responsibilities go.  I’m her housewife, her chauffer…whatever she needs!

When you don’t have a job, other people depend on you because they think you are always available.  You can’t say no to your daughter asking to give you a ride, because you don’t have anything that needs to be done at a particular time.  You drive yourself crazy because you feel like you are doing the same thing over and over.  A mother’s work is never done.

Go to the grocery store. Do the wash. Vacuum.  Take the dog out.  Make dinner.  Socialize the dog .Socialize herself.  Check e-emails.  Go to Target to get anything that I don’t want to buy at the grocery stores.  Put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Clean up the puppy’s poop.  Read a little while I keep one eye on the puppy to get her energy out. Pay the bills.  Go downstairs to check the mail.   Wash the puppy because she shit on herself.  Clean the toilets and sinks and shower. And when this is all done… the cycle seems to start all again. 

OK I am over-exaggerating. There’s a part of me thinks that I could definitely get used to it… It’s fun watching your dog (or child) grow.  But the other half thinks I’m going to need to get a chance to get away from this 24/7 job… a part-time job…. a part-time volunteer position…. Something.  The past few weeks I worked part-time as a cashier at Victoria’s Secret… and it was nice to have someplace to escape.  Because to me… housewife is exactly that. Married to the house.  And I need a life– outside in the “real” world!